What can I say, I write what I know and live. By the way, this post will be a confusing jumble of loosely connected thoughts.
Also, I’m wondering if I should start using trigger warnings? Mostly for myself, because I don’t want to reread this stuff and get depressed or whatever.
Oh, I’m going to preface this by saying that I differentiate between thoughts of death and thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of death include thinking about dying from natural causes or accidents, things like that. Thoughts of suicide are more like planning how you would want it to go down, things you could do to make sure it works and keep people from finding out until you’re done. I have not had problems with thoughts of suicide in years.
So onto the post!
Wil Wheaton deals with Depression. He also has a friend who deals with Depression. You can read about it here.
Suicide has been a little bit of a hot topic on the internet, what with yesterday being Suicide Prevention Day and all. It’s a topic that I can’t talk about easily, especially since the only people who really read this are people I know in real life. I worry that by talking about suicide and my thoughts about it, people will think that I am considering it. I am in no danger. I do not want to kill myself. I have no plans to kill myself.
But thoughts about death? Thinking how I wouldn’t have to deal with stuff if I were dead? Yeah, I’ll admit, I’ve had a couple of those thoughts running through my head the past month or two. I had a serious anxiety attack where I curled up into a ball sobbing and unable to think straight after I talked to Mom, because I couldn’t get the thought that I could just die and not deal with anything out of my head. I needed a Xanax in order to calm down. Part of the reason it affected me so badly is because I am terrified of becoming suicidal again.
Seriously. Do not want.
Unfortunately, it seems that thoughts of death are one of the few coping mechanisms I have when I get this stressed. I honestly feel sort of ashamed for being this stressed though, which is stressful in and of itself. Let’s face it, I’m not dealing with too much here now: I’m not taking classes, I’m not working, and Mom is now in a State Hospital. However, just talking to Mom exhausts me. There’s always something she wants me to do, something only I can take care of.
I’m tired of being responsible for other people and their stuff. I want to be self-centered, and say “FUCK IT!” finish my classes, and leave. I want to never talk to her again. I want to stick Grandma in a home and walk away. I want to take care of myself, without having to worry about anyone else. That’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to move out of your parents house or go to college and learn to take care of yourself before you have to be responsible for other people. Maybe that’s my problem.
Did I mention Mom is in a State Hospital? It’s good. They are talking about increasing her medicines, and working with her to function better on her own. (Which means less help from me!) I’m hopeful, mostly because the only other option is to constantly worry about it, which I’m not going to do. Grandma is supposed to be going into a nursing home soon, which is also really good for her, because this morning she couldn’t even get her breakfast and she likely didn’t take her medicine because her blood pressure was ridiculously high.
I’m thinking about making a post detailing all the things I want to do in order to help with my depression. The idea is to have a list in public (kind of) that I can look at and say “OK, I’m working on this. I can do this.” I’ll think more about it.